Well, today is the first day in who knows how many that I haven’t taken ibuprofen or acetaminophen, watching the clock like a hawk to make sure I don’t slide too far into the pain zone. I panic texted some friends last night to ask for all the help I can get detoxing and supporting my liver after this NSAID bender. Never have I ever taken so many over-the-counter medications. We are pressing into my third straight week and that doesn’t take into account the 10 days during thanksgiving that I was similarly dosing myself. But good news is that I finally got some antibiotics prescribed on Friday for what had become a sinus infection and I think my ear might actually pop and clear in earnest sometime soon. Waiting with bated breath for that let me tell you. I can’t wait to be all done coughing so hard I gag as all of my sinuses drain/pour down the back of my throat. It’s gonna be amazing.
It feels like nothing has been happening around here at all because of my convalescent Groundhog Day perspective, but in fact there is quite a bit transpiring nonetheless. On Friday I scraped myself out of bed, took a hot shower, and drove Maple down to Montpelier to take her road test and get her driver’s license. She of course passed but we were both sweating it a bit because the three dudes that went before her all did not. I was like hey no big deal if you have to take it again, it looks like this guy may be kinda tough so ya know just do your best and don’t sweat it. No worries though, she did great. She was so ready.
She deferred a year, not getting her temps til just before she turned 16. In Vermont you need that permit for a full year and to rack up all sorts of road time inside of that. She has been worried that once she got her license we would never see each other anymore and she wasn’t ready to let go of all of that car time together. I’m not sure I was either. A lot happens when you drive your kids everywhere ya know? Especially when they get to the age where the main time it feels like you see them and have a chance to connect is on your way to and from shit. There’s a lot of driving. And a lot of talking. Plus there is something that happens when you’re both looking out the windshield and not at each other that makes it easier to dig into some of the grittier stuff and we often did.
This past year gave us all the chance to get really ready for it. Like so ready. Like oh my god I can’t wait for her to get her license already ready. Ha. It’s kinda cool how that works. We aren’t worried anymore that we won’t hang out and are more confident that we’ve got it now. We know how to connect. And we know how important it is. As her mama, I can tell when it’s time to check in and watching for that is really on me. She’s a pretty solid communicator, far better than me at a similar age- and even well into my 20s if I’m honest- she does a great job of letting me know when she needs to talk. But it’s still for me to sense out the larger framework of her world so that I can stay fluent with her, aware of the funny little day-to-day things or the larger, more significant stuff. I want to get the full scope of her and that will never only live in what she offers up. Effort is on me, as it should be as her parent, to know when to be spacious and also when to dig a little. For forever.
Aaaannnnyway. Chris took her up to Burlington yesterday and, with the help of my mom, bought Maple a car. It’s so awesome and I’m so proud of her and so thankful to my ma. My gran bought me my first car and I really hope I’m able to do the same for my grand one day too. What a thing. She has a 2013 red Subaru and I think it’s gonna last her a good long while. She’ll drive away from us in that car which I don’t feel sad about at all right now (I know! very atypical for my standard nostalgic self!) because I know she’ll drive back too. That’s a good knowing.
Tomorrow is her birthday. She turns 17. Which makes perfect sense and is also just incredibly mind-blowing. Not because I cannot believe that we’ve been parents for that long or that she is almost an adult or any of that. But more because I left my family of origin when I was 17 and to think now that this is somehow growing larger and will eventually eclipse that is so strange. I know family is different for everyone and like many people there was a lot that was really broken for me in my childhood. Not necessarily anything huge or particularly special, but a lot of the day-to-day regular stuff of being a kid. There were a lot of things missing that I now know are standard fare for a person’s emotional health, well-being, and development. I had to do a lot of my growing up after that time and a lot of healing around those original wounds. And I guess I am just amazed that my family story has shifted now into this family’s narrative. We are now the center and the source. And we feel so much more sturdy and secure and safe and honest than that home ever did. That feels really good.
Ok. I just banged this whole thing out with my thumbs on my phone while Freddy naps. But now I gotta get up and cough for 20 minutes. I know I’m gonna have a lot more I want to write about maple and her birthday and just her general magnificence later in the week. So that’s it for now. Slowly, slowly back into the land of the living…
Oh yeah and Chris and the boys went out to Craftsbury this morning for a ski- even though we need more snow desperately- and he took this cute pic of Wilfred. What a little skier he is!