On Monday night, when all 5 of us were finally sitting around for a late meal- Maple’s favorite- and a decidedly rushed song+cake dance, Chris said to our birthday girl: Maple, I hope you know, we remember you through all of these stages. From when you were born and changed who we are forever to when you were a cute little squirt like Freddy. Through all of your growing and changing and becoming the magnificent young person that you are. And we could not be more proud of who you are. We adore you.
And as much as relaying these words in this moment makes me cry, they do not even come close to touching what it feels like to have raised and be getting ready to launch this brilliant, funny, generous, compassionate, loving girl of ours. I just gave her the biggest squeeze before she heads out the door. Driving her own self to school for the first time ever this week and to all of the other places that she needs to go. Just doing it ya know. These final ages and stages of growing into her young adult self. Full throttle.
But she knows me well. She assured me the other day that she is not quite fully baked yet. She has a little bit more to go. Ugh I love her. I love who she is and I love the dream of her life, all possibility and hope and whatever grand art idea she cooks up next. Even though I can forget it in the day to day with the closeness and the connection of our relationship as it currently lives, feeling so sturdy and secure. But it was hard won for us. We had to wade our way through a shit ton of grist, especially in her earlier years. There were times, and I kinda hate to admit it, where she wasn’t neccesarily hard for me to love but she was hard for me to want to mother. There were some dark days. (I of course confess all of that and more somewhere in the deep dark histories of this blog. IDK circa 2015? 2016?) Now that feels both like a distant memory and also like a badge of wisdom that we both wear that in a way secures and makes more solid the strength of where we are now. God I love her. More than any other event in my life and more than any other person, she effected and shaped the course of my becoming beyond all else.
For her birthday I had asked Heather and Blake out at Sterling Forest Lodge if she and I could come out there for a few hours in the evening and host a get together with a few of her friends. They generously offered their space up, I think a little curious to see how some older teens might effect the vibe of the space. It was the first time that she has celebrated a birthday with friends since she was 13 and we were still in Mount Horeb. The hurt of that was long and steep and this was a remedy and renewal for that long loneliness. They hung out and ate cake and gave gifts and played games and enjoyed the beauty and peace of such a mindfully curated space. It was simple and elegant and just right. Maple has such a solid friend group right now and it is really something that I am so grateful for. They are diverse and open minded and honest and earnest and I think as teenagers navigating the terrain of gender and sexual identity and mental health and neurodiversity and growing up into a world that is profoundly wounded and suffering is the biggest ask we could possibly hope young people to wake up into. To see this crew navigate it with such soft kindness is really beautiful. They are really straddling a particularly difficult space ya know? The reality and heft of adulthood, with the desire to hold on to in some ways the simplicity and grace of childhood. It’s very pure.
Anyhow. They had a great time. And moo told me that photos of Sterling Forest Lodge do not do it justice at all. It is so chill and so magical and really just such an amazing place to spend time. It was good to be there for an evening and remember that. Got me extra excited for our retreat there next month. It is going to be so chill.
And now we are back to it. I am on the mend- like maybe 30% functioning which is a far cry from zero and, well, that is something. Chris is headed out of town this Sunday for the rest of the month and I am trying not to think about it too hard. It is helpful that Maple is driving herself now, that takes a lot off my plate. Last night she was like mom I am so wiped out from driving myself everywhere this week. I was like: it’s Tuesday. Lol. And also, yeah. It’s fucking exhausting kid!
That’s it for now. January. I have another little something I want to say later this week about instagram and posting and all of that as well as a newsletter to launch this weekend. So keep your eyes out for those things. And as ever, thank you for being here.
x,m