I don’t know. I have been putting off putting this particular post together for a couple of weeks now, first for lack of any real stretches of time to sit down and get my thoughts together, and then because I began to doubt how much I actually wanted to share anyway. Or maybe I was needing to let some of my frustration and grief and disillusionment run its course and wait until I could perhaps come from a more reasonable, rational, resolved frame of mind.
Not that I am there yet. Sometimes I still feel so pissed. And disappointed. But yesterday, when I picked Eider up on my way home from the gym and after the 7th and 8th-grade boys basketball game, I did my daily “how are you liking school?” ask. And he was just like: honestly, I love it, mom. It just feels so normal, he said. Gah. I know what he means when he says that. I can see it in how settled and relaxed he seems. Managing the fullness of his days with ease and enthusiasm in equal measure. He seems like himself. And he seems a lot less stressed.
And yeah, it is a huge fucking bummer that “Yurt School” couldn’t live up to its promise- or that it never was what we dreamed it could be. That does suck. But I knew that it wasn’t that from the very beginning. You can look back to posts from last spring or summer when I was still deliberating the decision; pissed that they hadn’t figured out how to take the tuition voucher, irritated that they were disconnected enough via their own wealth from the local demographic that they couldn’t see the necessity in prioritizing their access. Dreams can be insidious though. They help us to see what we want to see even when all of the real markers point toward something else entirely.
I suppose the first indication that shit was not gonna unfold well for the middle school cohort happened at the very beginning of the year when this “place-based school” indirectly informed us that they had no outdoor education teacher for the year. They said they were “working on it”. But never directly. Nothing was ever direct. A small independent school started by 3 parents turned board members who wanted something different for their kids but weren’t ever willing to loosen their grip on the project enough to apply for grants or state funding that would both ensure the life of the school as well as make it accessible for more students. They were essentially the entirety of the administration. They would never answer any phones and seldom respond to emails. They work other fulltime jobs. It makes sense that they didn’t have much time for it. And yet, they could have done anything about it.
The second indication was when Eider was suspended for 2 days at the end of October. He had been roughhousing with a kid far smaller than him- as one of two 8th graders, they pretty much all were far smaller- and he took it too far. It was an issue for him and one that we were all working on. He felt horrible about it and apologized to the kid and they both processed it with their 2 teachers, who hadn’t seen it but were informed by the children. Eid felt like shit about it, but it seemed he had handled it. Until we get a call from a board member saying that he was to be suspended. Another kid in his class, a board member’s kid, who was threatened by Eider from the jump- by his fast intellect, by his exuberance, by the way her posturing was just silly to him- reported the incident to her mom relaying that she was “scared of him”. Which makes perfect sense when she had told Eider multiple times already to his face that no one wanted him there and that he should leave. Which my kid knows to shake off. He is so good at shaking it off. Which to a sassy little 11-year-old is probably wildly infuriating. Ba!
The whole thing was absurd. Completely without any sort of precedent or protocol and certainly with no evidence of the “restorative justice process,” we had read about in the school handbook. Nothing was ever said to Eider or the other child. No discussion. Certainly no “process”. What became clear is how this school has zero idea of how to work with middle school-aged children, and boys in particular. We immediately began receiving texts and phone calls from other parents, including the mom of the kid Eider had this “alleged incident” with. (Chris started calling the incident “alleged” once the board member (mom) that called us explained that Eider needed to be suspended because you wouldn’t let a “mugger” back into the community immediately. It was fucking game over at that point for Chris. I love him.) They were all stunned and alarmed by this course of action, an appropriate response in my estimation, and everyone began to question who this school was being run by anyway? A child? Who?
But there was no conversation. There was certainly no apology to our son, save by his teachers who also could not believe that this had happened. It was unfair to our kid to the extreme. He took the brunt of their administrative failings and yet they shirked responsibility in favor of targeting the teachers for their inability to create appropriate classroom culture. It’s always easier to hand it off.
It gets better though. Because at this point the board decides they don’t want to talk to the other parents anymore so they appoint the preschool teacher, a woman with a doctorate in education but with no experience with middle school-aged children, as head of school. She seemed like an odd choice and once any of us spoke with her it became clear that she indeed was. Not the person to head up an alternative place-based school that is for sure. She is punitive and narcissistic and I suppose through the lens of a nepotistic parent/founder/board body, an obvious choice. Someone to keep the other parents off their backs. She is a behavioralist through and through and really doesn’t stand a chance. Or the middle school level of the school doesn’t stand a chance.
During the Holiday break- on Christmas actually- we all got an email from her saying that one of the two teachers for the yurts would not be returning for the second semester because he was recently charged with Domestic Assault. Um, yeah. I don’t really want to get into this a ton here save to say that this is obviously complicated and that we all believe that our kids were all entirely safe with this person and that he was clearly struggling and that there are varying degrees of this accusation and we don’t know what happened and also that things are not black and white. People can fuck up and still be entirely worthy of our care and regard, it doesn’t erase our experience of them. The kids cared for him. And while it was appropriate for him to not return to school, it is not appropriate for us to cast people out. I mean, so much to say about this really. But it is not so much the topic of today.
So, at this point, we are down a teacher and 4 or 5 of the 14 kids are not returning after break. We considered leaving too at this point, especially when we realized that Eider wouldn’t be able to play basketball on the public school sports teams because of paperwork that the school had either failed, or simply did not care, to do. (the hits just kept coming with this place let me tell you!) But we decided to stay, for the sake of continuity, for the other families, for the other kids, and for the one remaining classroom teacher. We started having meetings. Just as the parents: which were hopeful and in which we made plans to save the year for them and fill in the gaps and holes in any way we could. And also with the new head of school: in which every parent idea was shot down and the remaining teacher continue to be blamed.
In the second week back to school a letter was sent out that the art teacher would be leaving because, with the departure of so many students, there was no longer the budget to keep her on. So, just to review, at this point the kids have no math and science teacher- they are doing an online math program, they have no outdoor ed teacher, they have no Spanish teacher, they have no art teacher. They have one teacher, who was hired to teach humanities and English language arts. This is beginning to look a lot like a really shitty homeschool collective at this point. Like, the shittiest. Eider asked if we could re-up the math program we used as homeschoolers because it was better than the one they were using at school. The kids, down to 8 and then to 7, could barely do any school work because they were all each braced for the next blow, the next loss. The teacher tried her best to insulate them and help them stabilize which every day was becoming a more impossible task.
Finally, on the second day of the third week back, Eid asked if he could transfer to Peoples Academy Middle Level, the local school and where Maple is in High School. We visited on Thursday. Completed paperwork on Friday. And he began on Monday. But on Thursday, after we had visited and chatted with the principal, who we have known now for nearly four years, I sat down to write letters to the other parents at yurt school, and then to the board/head of school. Here is the letter I sent to the parents:
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Hi Parents,
What a week. I hate to be writing this email; it was not where I thought we were headed at the beginning of this week. Only two days ago I was talking with < parent > about how we might rally around these kids and do everything we can to make sure they are ok. And then when I picked Eider up the very same afternoon he asked me if he could leave for PAML. I was sort of expecting this. We had discussed it briefly during the break as an option but then decided that we should hang tight for the rest of this year. However, what he came to me with on Tuesday afternoon was his sincere concern that he wouldn't be ready for high school if things continue as they are. And how could they not? It is all only sliding further downhill.
I also think that he is simply ready to not be in the stress, tension, and uncertainty of the current situation. I know this is a concern for each of you as well. They have had to absorb so much with very little to no support from MRS.
We just visited PAML this morning and spoke with Principal Matt Young at length about making this transition as well as processing the trauma that the kids have undergone this year. He said that talking to the school counselor sounds like it needs to be a top priority and I shit you not when he said that my kid teared up because he has just been holding all of that pain and grief and so much more in. Matt validated that none of what he has experienced: with his suspension, the loss of a teacher, and so much more, is normal; and that they are more than happy to offer him support in processing that as well as making this transition. Y'all, that is what care looks like. That is what educators and actual administrators do. They have a vested interest in the well-being of the children.
I have had some trepidation about leaving in the sense that every child that leaves is just one step closer to the complete and immediate dissolution of the school. I do not really want Eider's departure to be the straw that breaks the camel's back, and yet I also do not want my kid- or any of yours- to be the collateral in this truly fucked up situation. It is not on any of them, and they should not be asked to bear it.
So, assuming I can get all of this paperwork done, Eider's last day at MRS will be tomorrow and he will begin at Peoples on Monday. And friends, he is excited. He will be in a math class, a science class, humanities and literacy, gym and health and art, and he'll get to play on the basketball team. So much to look forward to. One of the great things about middle school- and especially eighth grade- is that there are no transcripts. It's just about figuring it out. The whole thing feels hopeful.
However, this is not the outcome that I was hoping for. I definitely am sitting with my own grief and remorse regarding how I had hoped this year would go for Eider. But I am also ready to let go of the fantasy- which seems to be all that remains- and get on with what is best for our son.
I wanted to make sure I communicated with you first before I notify MRS. Meeting each of you has been a highlight of my year and I would very much like to stay in relationship. Please feel free to reach out, I am here to both process with you and offer support. This has been so incredibly stressful for everyone.
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So that is it. What has unfolded. Now I am just working to get our second-semester tuition refunded. Fingers crossed for that piece.
I am also really sitting with the understanding that there is a real gap in terms of how we are serving middle-school-aged children. I have yet to see any school really hitting the mark with this age especially and it makes sense to me why that is happening. These kids are at an age where they are being exposed to so much more than ever before. And I do not think sheltering them is the answer, or really even appropriate. That is not to say that boundaries and limits aren’t a good idea, of course they are- these kids still need to be parented after all. What I am saying is that I see a gap in what kids are exposed to and as a result what they are being asked to process: mentally, emotionally, and physically; and how the systems are structured to support, nurture, and guide them. There seems to be a lag. The educational structures haven’t caught up to the culture. And it is tricky, right? Because while these kids are being exposed to so much, and asked to absorb and process a lot of content and information and experience that is in many ways far more mature than they are, they are also still children. And even though I have yet to see it, I really believe that there is a way to hold them in both of these truths at the same time. They do not need to be catapulted into premature young adulthood; they also don’t need to be overly sheltered and protected from the world to which they actually belong anyway.
I am chewing on all of this and more these days. I still really believe in homeschooling and centering family in the life of a child. I also know that around 6th grade there are some other needs that stretch beyond even the most social homeschool structure. But I am not convinced that middle schools, in their current iteration, are it. I think there must be some more supportive, functional, whole-person approach to their launch into high school. I am interested in that.
Alright! It was a long one. Hopefully, I am mostly caught up with myself now. All is well! Onward.