I do feel a bit like the liminal space continues. Like even though I’ve arrived in a sense, I have yet to arrive. I guess that won’t really happen until this very kicky baby is born and we have settled in to this new space beyond the room to room boxes and the clear sense of what was this fresh beginning.
I have been feeling sick and tired more again as of late, with sleep being the only real fix and I seem to need a lot of it. Interestingly, the best of the rest comes between the hours of 5:30 am and sometime before 9 in the morning which feels so incredibly late and ridiculously indulgent. Anyhow, taking it slow seems to be the name of the game, with a walk up the road here and the unpacking of a box there.
Despite the fatigue, I do think that I have done a pretty good job staying active this pregnancy. I try to walk at least 2, preferably 3 miles each day. I have been practicing asana 30-45 minutes at a stretch a few times a week and making it into the hot room for some variation of the 26&2 at least once a week. As good fortune would have it, the teacher whose class I stumbled into in Montpelier shortly after arriving in Vermont happens to be 6 months pregnant with her 2nd, so to say I feel seen and supported in her care is an understatement.
I have also been really enjoying 2-3 strength and resistance based workouts a week, with a nice dose of pelvic floor practices thrown in, from the Expecting and Empowered dynamic sister duo. One of my students pointed me in their direction this spring and I have learned so much as I explore and work through their materials. It has in many ways debunked and transformed many of the ways in which I previously thought of pre and post-natal fitness. And as opposed to feeling left in the lurch when it comes to my physicality during this time, I find myself much more informed and secure in my choices. I am especially grateful that I have my hands on their postpartum guide for when it is time to begin traversing the sometimes dark and uncertain road of recovery. Interestingly enough, several months into my time with E&E I learned that one of the sisters is also my mom’s dry needler whom she has been seeing for a number of years now and who has no doubt helped her avoid knee surgery at the very least.
We head to Maine this Wednesday and I am still completely unable to wrap my head around the fact that it will take right around 6 hours to get there as opposed to 3 days. It is comparable to heading to my Aunt Nancy’s cabin in Northern Wisconsin. Unreal. We are all ready and yet not ready to go this summer. Happy to get to our island home and just rest and visit and play, but a little reluctant to leave our new mountainside home with the sweeping vistas and photo worthy nightly sunsets. I am a little nervous to leave the house with all of the unpacking that we have yet to do, knowing that I will be nudging my way closer to 36 weeks pregnant once we return and who knows where my energy will be at that point? As my midwife said last week, it will be time then to have our home visit which of course I in no way feel ready for and am in a bit of denial about.
Today I have a meeting with Constant Contact in an effort to become more organized in my work and my capacity to make sure everyone who might want to know is able to know what I am up to in my teaching and other antics. I am perhaps a couple years- or a decade- late on this, but none-the-less I am looking forward to streamlining a few things and making sure that I do not always feel as though I am speaking into a hollow abyss.
To that end, there are just 2 more months to register for the next round of Practice, Wellness, Community at the early bird pricing. I cannot believe my good fortune in getting to spend some winter weekends in Prescott Arizona this year with my favorite co-teachers and a whole new group of earnest seekers. Plus, it should be a great adventure, all of this teaching in the next year, as I will have a baby (and a baby helper!) in tow and I will really get to practice walking the talk of all of this Life of Practice business. Let’s see how I do…. I am happy for the opportunity to live it both with support and with witnesses.
There is not much more to say at this point I suppose. Except perhaps the thing that I find myself continuously orbiting around as a mother in my family. It is not lost on me the gift of this unusual summer of becoming. This liminal space before 4 become 5 and before our new identities in community take shape here. I have all of this undivided time with my kids right now. At such unusual ages for having all of their attention. Once they are established in friends and activities it will all be different again. Or similar to how it was. And this will have been this little window of slow and concentrated time together. Time that in many ways I do not anticipate I will ever really have again with them while they are young. Never again in this way at any rate after the arrival of their brother. So I am savoring it. Even though thinking about it in the present hormonal cocktail that is my chemistry makes me cry oh so easily and oh so often. It is so sweet and special. This moment in time. And I am here for it. Present. Happy and Sad all mixed up together. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again no doubt, but time is a mother and she wants to love you and consume you all at once. And we will always loose. But perhaps I am learning that that is no true measure of all that we gain in our presence, in our loving.
Ha! Now I’m really crying. You? That’s enough for now. More soon.