toys

hillside meadow and kids and moms and dogs and pollinators.

For the past couple of months, I have been incubating the intention to start exploring caregiver and kiddo informal playgroups. It sort of occurred to me out of nowhere while beginning to observe the ways in which Freddy would be at the much older end of things in existing public playgroups such as the ones Lamoille County Family Center and the North Branch Nature Center run for 0-3ish throughout much of the year. It was also sparked in part due to the below-the-surface and near ever-present nostalgia for the “knitting group” playdates at the very beginning of my parenting days. Those weekday mornings out at Amy Arnold’s or Allison Sandbeck’s or my place with children spilling over everything and no shortage of coffee and popcorn and baked goods and handwork. Those were the days, as they say, and much of my early mothering and parenting philosophies were born out of those easy hangouts.

At the time I remember feeling like they were such a part and parcel of life, that they’d go on forever, a permanent part of our caregiving realities. Now of course I know that nothing is like that and yet I can also see the way in which those hangs in each other’s homes informed so many lifestyle choices, including home schooling, even as the rhythm and shape of those families and connections evolved, dissolved, shifted, or transformed through the years.

Anyhow, it almost caught me by surprise to realize that this is the time to create something similar for my now little. As much as I don’t want to go back in time, I also do not want to miss out on what this time can be for Freddy and for me too, by being so caught up in our older kid's realities and rhythms. That piece is tricky too I do have to say. I mean, I know I have expressed it a little before but it is an area of some struggle and grist inside of myself. I do not need the community of parents of small children in quite the same way as I did with Maple and Eider. It is not so new to me. Not so incredibly unknown. I need them for the sake of connection and consolation, but the support looks so different. I am more in need of the support and commiseration of the parents and families of high school and older age kids. That is where my uncharted territory lies. And yet, most of my days are spent in the current of the preschool age crowd and their caregivers. So strange.

But still so important. Especially when I remember that I may indeed have something in the way of encouragement and support, the casual suggestions or resource, or maybe just humor to offer this newer set. Perhaps. And so, a playgroup is underway. We began by organizing a group of moms with youngsters in a similar area and with the space available to spend our time outside and keep the pressure out of our houses and in some instances off our work-from-home spouses. I reached out to women I enjoy or would like to know more of with kids who are in all sorts of situations from zero to almost six. In part, it is a group who I think may consider forgoing school down the road in which case I am looking toward building relationships with an expanded context through those years, for both Freddy and myself. But mostly, we are country neighbors.

We are meeting once a week on a set day and time and in rotation. Nothing formal or fancy just offer a snack and some instruction around the social niceties of hellos and goodbyes. Keeping it real easy. I am hoping that before too long, familiarity and ease will take over and that the kids will mostly be able to run amok with little tending, and that the parents can clatch and knit (or something similar which is indeed the opposite of hovering) if they like. I like. Of course.

It is tricky though as experience and expectations vary. I find myself to have simultaneously very low and very high expectations. It makes perfect sense to me and yet it is odd. The group of children has all different backgrounds and exposure and so putting them together means working through a lot of differences at the start, something I find myself aware of and yet nowhere near as sensitive as I was in that former life I referenced before. I mean, Freddy is pretty much on the loose. There aren’t many limits we impose upon him and he has free reign of so much of the world in a way that I never would have allowed when Maple and Eider were little. I mean, the kid watches almost an hour of tv every single day. We didn’t even have a TV until I was pregnant with him. Ahem. Maple and Eid were 12 and 9. Lol. The discrepancies of television aside, perhaps a better way of saying it is that the ferocity of the boundaries that I needed to set up in order to claim my space inside of me as the parent I wanted to be and to craft the family culture that was right for us is not gone, not at all. But I am a much more sturdy parent than I was toward the beginning and I have been able to loosen my grip on those parameters in important ways. They are still there. And in many ways, they are more secure than ever. I just do not need to grip them in the way I once did.

However, one thing that hadn’t occurred to me at all -or in a real long while- is the consideration around toys. Before I get into it I just need to be really clear that is in no way me being smug about anything. I mean, look at my TV confession. And it is a perspective that was formed over many years and very much per our family’s experience. My reflection on this was prompted by a moment with the moms on Monday in which they commented on us not having much in the way of toys outside to play with. I mean, we brought out some bikes and there is the mud kitchen- which Wilfred won’t let anyone touch just yet but we’ll get there, and there are swings. But other than that there is OUTSIDE as it exists on its own and independent of any of us. They asked how we play or what we do if we are not playing with toys outside so much. And honestly, it is not all that different inside. I mean, I think we have plenty of toys inside -and yet it’s really not that much- but a big reason I rather stay outside, to begin with, is to forgo much of the guaranteed conflict and subsequent parental governance that toys seem to demand.

Like all of parenting, I did not enter the sport with that perspective but rather arrived there through experience. I found that my kids were never that interested in many toys or that it was such a fleeting interest that it hardly felt worth it. With a few exceptions of course. Blocks, and legos, silks, and stuffies, and Freddy has quite a car and puzzle collection which he adores. But other than that, what there is to play with is open-ended and minimal. And we arrived at that because I just always found that their imaginations were far more vast and playful than any object. Not to say that I do not in fact lust over certain toys on occasion. I indeed do, and there are some really beautiful and exciting ones out there! I am an esthete in many ways… it can’t be helped. And I have, on far more than one occasion, saved up or splurged for an amazing toy for my kiddos only to have them be lukewarm about it or lose interest far quicker than the investment would merit. I also observed the way in which too many toys created an overwhelm in my kids and that it was my responsibility to manage that for them. Since they were quite little that has meant things like keeping wish lists to three things or less and creating boundaries on the shape and size of gift-giving and receiving holidays and celebrations. To this day, Maple and Eider would prefer less. They get very specific about what they want but they keep it minimal, all on their own.

So in answer to our new friend’s questions, I responded that way. That Freddy spends a ton of really unstructured time outside exploring the natural world through the lens of his imagination. He likes to be a cat or a bat or a t-rex or a spider. Some of these roll play ideas are certainly things that have caught his interest through media, but just as much through books and stories. Which in many ways circles back to the conversation regarding family culture and home learning environments. There is no shortage of readalouds. (And yet, in full transparency, I am able to sit down and type away right now because he is watching a show.) But, I am a very big fan of seeing what emerges from the idle time that young children have to work with, what world might they create? What new reality have they built? Wilfred is outside a lot these days. Sometimes with clothes on and more often not. Sometimes chasing chickens, sometimes huddled in a perennial chatting to something or someone that my eyes often do not see at first. He has a whole life on this piece of property which is his alone and is more rich than anything I can invest in to support him. And yet, I will probably still try a bit. I am hopeless. The mud kitchen is an example of that. Just like the old palette playhouse in Mount Horeb was a nod in that direction too. I bet we see some sort of tree house or fort emerge in the woods for Freddy in the coming years. For him to share with fairies and hummingbirds and friends of all sorts.

So there you have it. I am excavating older ideas and beliefs and dusting them off in an effort to remember how I went about building them to begin with. It is actually quite enjoyable and affirming. Another reason why this family constellation of ours offers us each so many opportunities for observation, consideration, and thoughtfulness. I love it. So much.

As ever, thanks for being here. Thanks for reading. xxx