I guess I thought that I’d return home after 9 amazing days in the Southwest and have the chance to process and integrate everything that was revealed on my trip, both old and new. But I should have known better. Returning home to family life is always a hit-the-ground-running endeavor and this time has been no exception. I took the red eye on Saturday night and made it back to our home mid-day on Sunday and the whole weekend was kind of like a sleepless soup in that way. Chris had to head up to Canada on Monday morning for a couple of days and so we just did the classic parental handoff. Freddy is sick and it was clear that he was going to be sharing it with me so we laid low as best we could on Monday with the big kids at school. But then of course they had a huge argument about nothing on the way home in the afternoon that resulted in Maple leaving Eider down in Elmore to walk the rest of the way home on his own.
They were in a state, let me tell you. After only a little bit of investigation, it became clear that much of the day for both of them had disrupting and unsettling content, the culmination of which was the occurrence of their active shooter drill. This always derails them and honestly I cannot even imagine. The really fucked up bit is that they both try to explain to me, especially Maple, that it is something that is useful for them to do so that they know how to respond in each different classroom. But it sounds like a nightmare and they are always rattled afterward. Maple struggles being able to discern if it is real or not and on Monday she said it felt like 10 minutes or so before she was certain that it was a drill. She also was in a class that had to move across the hall to a “safer” room positioning, which meant moving through the hallway which is a terrifying space to be in during a drill.
Eider was also in the hallway on his way back from the office when the drill was called. From what I can tell from my kids, the hallway is just the very last place you want to get caught if there were a shooter. And I just gotta pause here to say: can you even fucking imagine what our kids have to deal with in schools because we refuse to keep them safe by any other means? And despite all of these drills and schematic plans as to where to go and how to do it both of my kids have said at different times that even with all of these plans in place they both think in the case of a real event they would head out a door if they could and sprint to the woods. That staying in the building is the very last thing that they would want to do despite being instructed to do just that.
Ugh I cannot even with this shit I tell you. And not just for my kids but for ALL KIDS. I hope that is clear by now. I hate having my kids in school for this reason alone and no, homeschool is not the answer simply because it is not available for everyone even though it is 100% where my littlest will be for as long as I can keep him here.
And then of course on Monday afternoon, with both kids still off-gassing the continued accumulating trauma from these events, we heard on the radio on our way to Eid’s orchestra dress rehearsal what had happened earlier that day in Nashville. Yet again. We processed it, somewhat remotely cuz how can you even when it is clear that kids are collateral for an agenda that never gave a shit about them, to begin with. Eider said that he doesn’t even feel anything when he hears about shootings anymore. That it is a numb and empty space. It is hopeless and bleak so why register it? I can understand this response and I can see its ripple effect in all of the subsequent ways that he dreams of his life, or not.
Before he went to school he thought that he would probably really enjoy being a History Teacher. He loves history and I think the idea of summers off has a certain appeal for sure for him. He has been in public school for only 2 months and school in general for less than 8 months and he is already thinking that he really rather not be in the building any longer than absolutely necessary. Yesterday his class visited the local tech center and after hearing more about the trades as well as the framework of heading over there after freshman year and completing your degrees at the center, he thinks that might be where he rather be. Let me first say that I think the trades are amazing and I would be thrilled if that were a path that he wanted to take. However, I worry that he might be curbing a real passion because the prospect of putting your life on the line within a culture that appears to have zero regard for you is less and less appealing. I worry, and I understand.
So, this is what I have come home to. Integrating teachings and experiences will have to wait just as it will for all of us who cannot ignore the threat of daily living that we are all, but especially our children, facing. It is also no surprise that now that Chris is home both big kids are also too sick to go to school today. They wanted to stay home, by any means. And so what to do now? Call your representatives. Opt into information about local actions with Moms Demand and Everytown for Gun Safety. And for the love, never vote for someone whose position on gun control is not completely clear. They must be pro-children, pro-teachers, pro-school, pro assault weapon bans. This is our work right now.