I have been absent from this space for what feels like too long. Not for lack of anything to say but rather from too much- so much to say in fact that at times it has felt like an overwhelming deluge of thoughts and ideas, too many to weed through to make much of any sense here. Nothing earth shattering, to the contrary, quite everyday. But enough repeating and steady themes that it does perhaps bear sharing.
The picture above is a bit of reminder of the current mood really. Ubhaya Padangustasana, I think the pose is called. Anyway, the very first time that I remember recognizing the experience of "the seer becomes the seen" was in that pose. I was up in LaCrosse at Chris Saudek's studio during a time when I was practicing copious amounts of Iyengar Yoga and I was so focused and so intent and then all of the sudden, there it just was. Everything. Nothing. Me feeling simultaneously like I was the one doing to posture as well as the posture itself. I had certainly experienced that state prior to that moment but had not identified it as such and now the posture sort of embodies the concept for me I suppose.
My practice has been accessing that state a lot lately. Big, expansive states that I am more directly going in search of these days as opposed to simply enjoying them when they show up. I have been heavy on the stillness and on the breath work and on organizing my attention. I am definitely not very good at any of it, but it is certainly where my energy lies right now.
Last week, Eider and Chris and I went to go and have our spines checked by our Network Spinal Analysis Dr. We have been involved in Network care for quite a long time at this point- longer than we have been together, longer than Wisconsin, longer than kids. It is even one of the biggest reasons that we moved to a small town in SW Wisconsin over a decade ago. The work has always been deeply resonant for me and so helpful in my efforts to live well, in myself and in my relationships. Anyhow, Susan has been checking us for a long time now. She knows us very well. And it was the first time that she had seen both Chris and I in well over a year. I keep her updated as to our comings and goings, the soundbite for life of the Newlins. One thing that I love about her so much as a practitioner is how she is always learning and growing. She continues to work and develop herself and that continues to deepen her offering. So, she had what for me was a really profound insight while we were there last week- that now seems so obvious to me, like I've known it all along on some level. I am integrating it into my understanding of myself, my husband and our marriage. She said that I lead with Inspiration, or Vision. Then I follow with Structure. And then finally, Behavior. She's like: "you do it every time you entrain. You inhale and expand yourself and then hold yourself there until your structure starts to shift, and then the behavior. Chris is the reverse. He has to lead with the Behavior, and then the Structure shifts, and then the Vision can come from that place. But if the behavior isn't there- he just cannot see the possibility."
OK. Whoa. This is so true for Chris and I, and is such a great understanding for us to have in caring for ourselves and one another in relationship. But, I do not really need to get into all of the nitty gritty of that here. What is relevant in this conversation is this idea that we each need to identify what it is that makes it possible for us to connect. What is your access point into your bigger self? The part of you that feels vast, and free and full of peace, full of possibility. For me it has always been to reach for a state. Expansive emptiness in particular has always been a big doorway in for me.
I think I am serving that state a little more these days. And my behaviors are supporting it. As well as I can for now. As ever, perfectly imperfect.