At this particular point in my life, there is not a day that goes by in which I do not consider my commitment to my husband. Or really, my commitments to him. Because, as I have learned, as I am learning, they are many. In the last year or so, I have actually made it a bit of a daily practice to reflect on our relationship. What my roles are, what my responsibilities are: to myself, to Chris, to our children, and also really where I place value. It wasn't always this way, but I suppose that by virtue of some epic failures on my part coupled with the grace of god, I have done some serious growing up in our relationship. And I'm not saying that it is so organized that I am like: ok, now it's time to think about my relationship and my marriage and what it means to me. No. It is just that, every day, at some random point, the consideration opens up and I choose to sit with it.
I know that there is a lot of talk about co-dependency and differentiation and one is good and one is bad and you better know which is which and when and so on, but I do not think of it that way so much at all. If anything, I am just doing my best to simultaneaously remember that he is a person totally and utterly distinct from myself and yet we have both chosen and continue to choose to weave our lives into one another. I have chosen to tend the fires of not only my heart, but his as well. I am a guardian of the threshold to his inner life. And I am pretty sure that I am primarily guarding the threshold of his heart against particular parts of myself.
Now, that may sound a little odd, and I in no way mean that I do not let my husband see certain parts of myself. Au contraire. He has seen it all. I guess that what I mean to say is that I am learning what parts of myself get their needs met by turning toward him and what parts have to turn out or self- regulate. But all of it is contained within the crucible of our marriage. There just are so many more layers than I once thought that there were.
We have been married for 10 years. And while that seems like a nice chunk of time, I really feel like we are just getting started and I am finally beginning to have some small sense of what it even means to be married. I am a slow learner. And I am stubborn. Rough combo.
Over the last few years, he has shown up for me in ways that blow my mind. And this last week has been no different. He is a space holder and a truth seer and he has brought a depth and a magic and a freedom to my life that I don't think I ever really even could have hoped for.
So, I have been considering our relationship- it's many different aspects- as I settle into this current time in my life and re-stoke the fires of self-love. I have been easing myself into practice. Slow and gentle, full of listening and wonder. And long holds. Nice long holds to settle (reconcile) my nervous system and allow my breath to enter deep and true. This may not seem like the most gentle practice. But for me right now it is. It could be all of these poses or one of them on their own- but I am remembering myself through a simple act of self-love and lots of breath and doing the thing that has anchored me to myself for half of my life.
With all of the big love and gifts I have received from so many over the last week, here is my small offering back. And like most of the practices that I do, this one is most strongly influenced by Christina Sell. Both in design, and in the undercurrents of prayer and tone and the deeply rooted belief that there is a grace implicit in the forms themselves. All of this, I learn from her.
Windshield wipers, Garuda's twist, Succirandrasana, SPG cycle, Supta Virasana, AMS
Shalabasana, Makrasana, Dhanurasana
AMS, Sirsasana 1 (and variations)
Crescent, Standing back arch, Uttanasana, Uttkatasana, Garudasana
Trikonasana, Parsvakonasana, Vira 1, Parsvottanasana, Parivritta Trikonasana, Vira 3, Anjaneya
Handstand, Paryankasana (over the block), Pinchamayurasana (2x)
Hanumanasana, Chatush Padasana, Urdhva D 3x, Dwi Pada 3x
Baddha Konasana, Paschimottanasana
Sarvangasana and variations